Where does it come from?

I could be fine one day and ok the next and break down the day after that. I always feel embarrased some way or another. I hate the way I feel most of the time. Physically and mentally. I wish I had the umph to do things. I have never been that way though. I would rather try to starve myself than to work out and attempt to lose weight. I would rather lay in bed than try to live the best life I can. I always dissappoint myself. I try to help others but seem to get bitten right in the face. I think I have friends when really they are just aquantainces. I just wish for once that I can find that one true friend that would be there, no matter what. I cant seem to even trust my own fiancee sometimes. I eat and gain more and more weight. I eat cuz I am sad or upset and I try not to go into the kitchen or even look at food. My fiancee has great friends that would be there in a split second for him. I wonder how did he get so lucky to have that? What did he have to do? I try to help people and it isnt that i expect something in return. i just always treat others that way i would like to be treated. I can see that not even a little pill can help ease any of my pain. I just need prayer.

tough times

I dont know what to say other than I am so overwhelmed right now. Financially it is so difficult. With me not really working, and Jason not able to get a raise, we are on a tight ship. I get in such a frenzy when I find out one thing after another about bills or whatever else that might arise. I then read emails or comments or even blogs from other friends that know the Lord and get me back in tune with Him. I know I should trust the Lord more, that he will guide me and my family through our lives. That he won't give us anything we can't handle. When we pray, he does listen. I feel so blessed that I have these friends. My family consits of my mom and my sister. I pray for my sister that I know is going through her own thing in life. And even though we aren't currently on speaking terms, I know the Lord will help her. Because he does love her. I pray for my mom who has difficult decisions to make. Especially after my dad passing away. I know the Lord will provide for us all in one way or the other. I thank all my fiancee's friends and my friends, near and far. Love you all.