Where does it come from?

I could be fine one day and ok the next and break down the day after that. I always feel embarrased some way or another. I hate the way I feel most of the time. Physically and mentally. I wish I had the umph to do things. I have never been that way though. I would rather try to starve myself than to work out and attempt to lose weight. I would rather lay in bed than try to live the best life I can. I always dissappoint myself. I try to help others but seem to get bitten right in the face. I think I have friends when really they are just aquantainces. I just wish for once that I can find that one true friend that would be there, no matter what. I cant seem to even trust my own fiancee sometimes. I eat and gain more and more weight. I eat cuz I am sad or upset and I try not to go into the kitchen or even look at food. My fiancee has great friends that would be there in a split second for him. I wonder how did he get so lucky to have that? What did he have to do? I try to help people and it isnt that i expect something in return. i just always treat others that way i would like to be treated. I can see that not even a little pill can help ease any of my pain. I just need prayer.